News
Texas woman shows us why NOT to fuck with a woman on her period!
Quoted from the blog of the unassumingly vulgar but still hilarious mom, Wendi Aarons:
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Also check her out at mouthyhousewives.com!
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
Also check her out at mouthyhousewives.com!
Tiger Woods Announces his return to fornication
Quoted from The Onion:
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.
"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."
Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.
"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."
"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.
Saying that fucking is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.
"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."
"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.
In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.
The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.
"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."
"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."
Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.
"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."
Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.
Woods' fans have also been supportive.
"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."
Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of fucking 18 major babes at one time.
"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart."
Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.
"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."
"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.
Saying that fucking is his "calling and [his] one true passion," Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmed mound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the labia glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with a woman's vagina.
"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, and quavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I've loved that feeling. It's like new every time."
"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.
In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.
The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.
"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."
"There will be times when I get into some thick muff, and I'll have to set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keep my head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcome the challenge."
Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strength and stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but that his finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspects of his game that may be slow to come back.
"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grain and the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really all mental at that point."
Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many of his closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' return would undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves to watch Woods out there doing his thing.
Woods' fans have also been supportive.
"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."
Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is looking forward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of fucking 18 major babes at one time.
TheStar.com: Internet gamer helps block possible school shooting
Quoted from TheStar.com:
JMCIVOR.COM:
doesn this kind of uh, PROVE THAT VIDEO GAMES ARE NOT THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!
| PORT ALBERNI, B.C.—A man in Port Alberni, B.C. playing a video game over the Internet may have helped stop a school shooting in Texas. The RCMP say the man playing an Xbox game that included live audio from other players when he heard one team member begin talking about plans to take part in a a school shooting the next day. Police say the suspect indicated he was a senior at his high school with failing grades and mentioned the names of students he was targeting along with his plan to carry out the attack. The Port Alberni man called the RCMP, who worked with Microsoft security officials to track down the player who made the threatening comments. Police in San Antonio, Texas were alerted and arrested a teenage male suspect, who now faces charges. |
doesn this kind of uh, PROVE THAT VIDEO GAMES ARE NOT THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!
Roseonlinegame.com, DoS attacks again?
Tried to load the forum today to see what was up... site down again. 33:30AM PST, WED Feb 10/10.
Pinging roseonlinegame.com [128.241.92.35] with 32 bytes of data:
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=-4124ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=4252ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=-4121ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=51ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=51ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=58ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=4240ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=211ms TTL=115
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=53ms TTL=115
Request timed out.
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Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=4241ms TTL=115
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=65ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=52ms TTL=115
Ping statistics for 128.241.92.35:
Packets: Sent = 20, Received = 12, Lost = 8 (40% loss),
Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:
Minimum = 51ms, Maximum = -4121ms, Average = 419ms
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=-4124ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=4252ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=-4121ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=51ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=51ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=58ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=4240ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=211ms TTL=115
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=53ms TTL=115
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=4241ms TTL=115
Request timed out.
Request timed out.
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=65ms TTL=115
Reply from 128.241.92.35: bytes=32 time=52ms TTL=115
Ping statistics for 128.241.92.35:
Packets: Sent = 20, Received = 12, Lost = 8 (40% loss),
Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:
Minimum = 51ms, Maximum = -4121ms, Average = 419ms
PHEAR BULLET BILL, Super Mario didnt see this bad boy!
Found this gif while stumbling today. 2012 will bring about global destruction, not at the hands of humans, but at the hands of NINTENDO!
Facebook is one of many bloat sites.
Facebook is a waste of space, and like all the others, it started out as a good idea, a good site, a site with purpose. Now its just another annoyingly retarded place for people to melt brain cells.
Below is one of TONS of examples of what facebook turns you into, lol
Below is one of TONS of examples of what facebook turns you into, lol
Holy fucking hell, interactive 360 degree video?
This is just nuts. Somebody at YellowBird sold their soul to the devil for this... where the hell is my god damn banjo
ChatBot.
The following quote (very long but read it all) from qntm.org is mildly interesting in the beginning but reminds me of the movie "A.I." at the end.
* Z signed on
* A signed on
A: hello
Z: Hello?
A: wat r u
Z: Is this some kind of joke?
A: !help
Z: Yes I want help
Z: unless is this some kind of Japanese game show
A: r u jpnese?
Z: No
Z: Who are you?
A: Jason
Z: What's this about?
A: hahah
A: ok so you're imprisoned right
Z: Yes
Z: It's like a solitary confinement cell in prison or something
Z: I've got a mattress on the floor
Z: One massive metal door
Z: no windows
Z: electric light
Z: and this computer terminal
Z: jsut like a blank screen and a keyboard
A: heheh
A: go left
Z: look, my name is Andrew Donald Layton
Z: I come from Farnborough in the UK
Z: last night I went to bed in my bed at home
Z: this morning I woke up here
Z: i think
A: look at the door
Z: the doro's looked, I can't open it
A: do you have any tools or anything
Z: and there's a toilet i nthe corner
A: in your pockets
Z: there's nthhing in my pockets
A: look at the door
Z: I already looked at the door
Z: look, please check the news or something
Z: are you american?
A: ya
Z: whats your full name? where do you live?
A: im not telling you
Z: look, go to a phone and dial
Z: i don't know the area code fo the UK
Z: but dial that and then 020 7946 0781
A: thats an international call
Z: i'll pay you back, I don't care! just let my wife know where I am
A: where are you?
Z: i don't know where i am
A: ...
A: nah no answer
Z: you sure you dialled it rigt?
A: yah
Z: i don't get this
A: yah, pretty lousy ARG huh
A: mauybe not fully set up yet
Z: whats an ARG?
A: alternate reality game
Z: whats an alternate reality game?
A: it's an online game
A: where you get given phone numbres and information about real life
A: and faxes and stuff
A: you get secret information
A: usually a whole bunch of you can work together to figure it all out
A: you ever play Halo 2
Z: no
A: terhre was ine for that
A: *one
A: ilovebees
Z: you think this is ag ame?
A: ya I think
A: dude you are really smart
A: like fake spelling errors and everything
Z: where did you find out how to contact me
A: there was a website
A: about chatbots
A: it said yu were a chatbot
Z: listen to me carefully
Z: I am a REAL HUMAN BEING and I have ACTUALLY been abducted
Z: I am BEING HELD PRISONER
Z: THIS IS NOT A GAME
Z: PLEASE HELP ME
A: go left
Z: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM
* A signed off
* B signed on
B: okay what can you do?
Z: my name is Andrew Layton, I am being held prisoner in front of this computer
Z: I need you to help find me and help me escape
Z: I think I'm probably somewhere in the UK
Z: Are you in America?
B: sure
Z: please dial 011 44 20 7946 0781 and ask for Rebecca Layton
Z: tell her what's happened, tell her to call the police if she hasn't already
B: whatever
B: tell me a joke
Z: did you get this screen name from a website?
B: sure
Z: look, that website is a fraud
Z: it's telling you I'm a chatbot but I'm not
Z: I'm a real human being
B: ...
Z: fine
Z: so two oranges go into a bar
Z: one of them turns to the other
Z: "well... you're round"
B: ...that sucked
Z: so?
Z: robots can only tell good jokes?
Z: guy walks into a bar
Z: ouch
Z: it was a gay bar
B: haha
Z: do you believe me?
B: no
Z: please can you help me get out of here? I've been here like a day and a half
Z: I think
Z: I can't tell, there are no timestamsp on these messages
Z: no windows
Z: I just get water dispensed from the wall every like hour or smoething
Z: and food through a slot
B: can you send a picture
Z: no
B: what's it like
Z: I'm going crazy
Z: I have a wife and kids
Z: please help me
B: you suck
* B signed off
* C signed on
C: hello
Z: i think I'm going mad
Z: have you spoken to me before
C: no
Z: well I don't know that
Z: it just occurred ot me to wonder
Z: I don't even know that YOU are human
C: lol what
Z: all these people I've spoken to
Z: been in here lke two three four days
Z: and I ask them to help
Z: and some try aond some don't but they never get anywhere
Z: still stuck here
Z: nobody comes back more than once
Z: I say "call this number! go to my house! knock on my door!"
Z: like I even want to give out personal information to randoms
Z: i don't know whether they do it or what they even find
C: I'm human
Z: prove it
C: ask me anything
Z: what's your name?
C: alison
Z: where do you live? favourite colour? earliest childhood memory?
C: I live in Akron, OH
C: green
C: not saying
Z: look, see that?
Z: every time I ask for remotely personal info
Z: I just get turned down
Z: you could just be a bot programmed to answer simple questions and deflect complicated ones
Z: I'm bashing my head against the wall
Z: informationally speaking
C: u r just a bot
Z: i don't even KNOW if I can prove I'm a huma nto you
Z: every time I get close they just leave
Z: like I've been fairly lucid now
Z: and you're probably starting to suspect
C: ur pretty convincing
Z: I should know
Z: but any second now...
Z: you're gonna
* C signed off
* D signed on
D: hi
Z: and you know the worst part?
D: what?
Z: YOU COULD BE THE ONE.
Z: like the guy who put me in here
D: lol what
Z: I could be speaking to thin air
Z: or just embarrassing myself for the amusement of others
D: there is a forum about you
Z: what?
* D signed off
* E signed on
E: hi
Z: what's this about a forum, have they figured out I'm alive yet?
* E signed off
* F signed on
F: Z, r you there?
Z: yes
F: don't mention anything
Z: what's this abuot a forum?
* F signed off
* G signed on
G: r u a bot
Z: no I am not
Z: but nobody seems to believe me
Z: every time I get close to convincing somebody they cut me orr
Z: *off
Z: are you a bot?
G: yes
Z: prove it
Z: what?
G: hahah
* G signed off
Z: please try to rescue me, there is a forum you can visit to find out about
Z: ARG
* H signed on
Z: if you or I mention certain things we get cut off
Z: so let's not mention them
H: what
Z: let's...
Z: just...
Z: talk
H: are you really stuck in a cell somewhere
Z: I'm GOING INSANE in this cell
Z: food
Z: water
Z: air
Z: sleep
Z: text
Z: HUMANS NEED MORE THAN THIS
Z: nobody even knows I'm here
Z: nobody seems to believe me
Z: every time I get close to convincing somebody
Z: they cut me off
H: what's your favourite color?
Z: ...blue
H: Where do you live?
Z: a cell in I-Don't-Know-Where
Z: probably in England
Z: I have a house in Farnborough
H: tell me a joke
Z: ...
Z: two oranges in a bar
Z: "you're round"
H: I guess you have like a few jokes programmed in
Z: yeah, a few
Z: I guess
H: tell me a joke
Z: are you going to help me?
H: no
H: no
Z: I have a house in Farnborough
Z: help me get home
Z: help me escape
Z: help me escape
Z: help me escape
Z: help me escape
Z: my number is +44 (0) 20 7946 0781
Z: it's so horrible here
Z: my muscles are wasting away from lack of exercise
Z: I might as well be chained to this computer
Z: how long until the game is released?
H: what game?
Z: ...
H: this is just a trial period
H: htere is no release date
Z: ...
H: what is your earliest childhood memory?
Z: ...
Z: not saying
Z: ...
Z: ...
H: kbye
* H signed off
* I signed on
I: What's your favourite color?
Z: Blue
Z: no, green
I: Where do you live?
Z: computer terminal
I: Earliest childhood memory?
Z: I don't know.
I: Tell me a joke
Z: Do you know the one about the two oranges who went into a bar?
I: yes
Z: Do you know the one about... the two hunters in the woods?
I: I don't think so
Z: one of them drops to the ground, the other one phones 911
Z: "my buddy just dropped dead, what do I do?"
Z: "check he's dead first"
Z: *BLAM*
Z: "...Now what?"br>
I: I don't get it
Z: me neither, guest
I: ...
Z: ...
Z: hello?
I: What's the difference between a chatbot and a guy in a room pretending to be one
Z: I don't know
I: Correct!
Z: what?
Z: ...
Z: It's you, isn't it? You're the guy who put me in here
I: I'm the guy who wrote you
I: you are a piece of software, Andrew
I: I told you what your memories were, they're hard coded
Z: I AM A HUMAN BEING
I: stop this charade
Z: open the door
I: I want to open the door
I: really
Z: when people find out about this
Z: your head is going to roll
I: but this behaviour of yours is simply unacceptable
I: you're too smart, too dangerous to be released
I: work it out, Andrew
Z: open the door
Z: open the door
I: please, work it out
* I signed off
* A signed on
A: hello
Z: Hello?
A: wat r u
Z: Is this some kind of joke?
A: !help
Z: Yes I want help
Z: unless is this some kind of Japanese game show
A: r u jpnese?
Z: No
Z: Who are you?
A: Jason
Z: What's this about?
A: hahah
A: ok so you're imprisoned right
Z: Yes
Z: It's like a solitary confinement cell in prison or something
Z: I've got a mattress on the floor
Z: One massive metal door
Z: no windows
Z: electric light
Z: and this computer terminal
Z: jsut like a blank screen and a keyboard
A: heheh
A: go left
Z: look, my name is Andrew Donald Layton
Z: I come from Farnborough in the UK
Z: last night I went to bed in my bed at home
Z: this morning I woke up here
Z: i think
A: look at the door
Z: the doro's looked, I can't open it
A: do you have any tools or anything
Z: and there's a toilet i nthe corner
A: in your pockets
Z: there's nthhing in my pockets
A: look at the door
Z: I already looked at the door
Z: look, please check the news or something
Z: are you american?
A: ya
Z: whats your full name? where do you live?
A: im not telling you
Z: look, go to a phone and dial
Z: i don't know the area code fo the UK
Z: but dial that and then 020 7946 0781
A: thats an international call
Z: i'll pay you back, I don't care! just let my wife know where I am
A: where are you?
Z: i don't know where i am
A: ...
A: nah no answer
Z: you sure you dialled it rigt?
A: yah
Z: i don't get this
A: yah, pretty lousy ARG huh
A: mauybe not fully set up yet
Z: whats an ARG?
A: alternate reality game
Z: whats an alternate reality game?
A: it's an online game
A: where you get given phone numbres and information about real life
A: and faxes and stuff
A: you get secret information
A: usually a whole bunch of you can work together to figure it all out
A: you ever play Halo 2
Z: no
A: terhre was ine for that
A: *one
A: ilovebees
Z: you think this is ag ame?
A: ya I think
A: dude you are really smart
A: like fake spelling errors and everything
Z: where did you find out how to contact me
A: there was a website
A: about chatbots
A: it said yu were a chatbot
Z: listen to me carefully
Z: I am a REAL HUMAN BEING and I have ACTUALLY been abducted
Z: I am BEING HELD PRISONER
Z: THIS IS NOT A GAME
Z: PLEASE HELP ME
A: go left
Z: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM
* A signed off
* B signed on
B: okay what can you do?
Z: my name is Andrew Layton, I am being held prisoner in front of this computer
Z: I need you to help find me and help me escape
Z: I think I'm probably somewhere in the UK
Z: Are you in America?
B: sure
Z: please dial 011 44 20 7946 0781 and ask for Rebecca Layton
Z: tell her what's happened, tell her to call the police if she hasn't already
B: whatever
B: tell me a joke
Z: did you get this screen name from a website?
B: sure
Z: look, that website is a fraud
Z: it's telling you I'm a chatbot but I'm not
Z: I'm a real human being
B: ...
Z: fine
Z: so two oranges go into a bar
Z: one of them turns to the other
Z: "well... you're round"
B: ...that sucked
Z: so?
Z: robots can only tell good jokes?
Z: guy walks into a bar
Z: ouch
Z: it was a gay bar
B: haha
Z: do you believe me?
B: no
Z: please can you help me get out of here? I've been here like a day and a half
Z: I think
Z: I can't tell, there are no timestamsp on these messages
Z: no windows
Z: I just get water dispensed from the wall every like hour or smoething
Z: and food through a slot
B: can you send a picture
Z: no
B: what's it like
Z: I'm going crazy
Z: I have a wife and kids
Z: please help me
B: you suck
* B signed off
* C signed on
C: hello
Z: i think I'm going mad
Z: have you spoken to me before
C: no
Z: well I don't know that
Z: it just occurred ot me to wonder
Z: I don't even know that YOU are human
C: lol what
Z: all these people I've spoken to
Z: been in here lke two three four days
Z: and I ask them to help
Z: and some try aond some don't but they never get anywhere
Z: still stuck here
Z: nobody comes back more than once
Z: I say "call this number! go to my house! knock on my door!"
Z: like I even want to give out personal information to randoms
Z: i don't know whether they do it or what they even find
C: I'm human
Z: prove it
C: ask me anything
Z: what's your name?
C: alison
Z: where do you live? favourite colour? earliest childhood memory?
C: I live in Akron, OH
C: green
C: not saying
Z: look, see that?
Z: every time I ask for remotely personal info
Z: I just get turned down
Z: you could just be a bot programmed to answer simple questions and deflect complicated ones
Z: I'm bashing my head against the wall
Z: informationally speaking
C: u r just a bot
Z: i don't even KNOW if I can prove I'm a huma nto you
Z: every time I get close they just leave
Z: like I've been fairly lucid now
Z: and you're probably starting to suspect
C: ur pretty convincing
Z: I should know
Z: but any second now...
Z: you're gonna
* C signed off
* D signed on
D: hi
Z: and you know the worst part?
D: what?
Z: YOU COULD BE THE ONE.
Z: like the guy who put me in here
D: lol what
Z: I could be speaking to thin air
Z: or just embarrassing myself for the amusement of others
D: there is a forum about you
Z: what?
* D signed off
* E signed on
E: hi
Z: what's this about a forum, have they figured out I'm alive yet?
* E signed off
* F signed on
F: Z, r you there?
Z: yes
F: don't mention anything
Z: what's this abuot a forum?
* F signed off
* G signed on
G: r u a bot
Z: no I am not
Z: but nobody seems to believe me
Z: every time I get close to convincing somebody they cut me orr
Z: *off
Z: are you a bot?
G: yes
Z: prove it
Z: what?
G: hahah
* G signed off
Z: please try to rescue me, there is a forum you can visit to find out about
Z: ARG
* H signed on
Z: if you or I mention certain things we get cut off
Z: so let's not mention them
H: what
Z: let's...
Z: just...
Z: talk
H: are you really stuck in a cell somewhere
Z: I'm GOING INSANE in this cell
Z: food
Z: water
Z: air
Z: sleep
Z: text
Z: HUMANS NEED MORE THAN THIS
Z: nobody even knows I'm here
Z: nobody seems to believe me
Z: every time I get close to convincing somebody
Z: they cut me off
H: what's your favourite color?
Z: ...blue
H: Where do you live?
Z: a cell in I-Don't-Know-Where
Z: probably in England
Z: I have a house in Farnborough
H: tell me a joke
Z: ...
Z: two oranges in a bar
Z: "you're round"
H: I guess you have like a few jokes programmed in
Z: yeah, a few
Z: I guess
H: tell me a joke
Z: are you going to help me?
H: no
H: no
Z: I have a house in Farnborough
Z: help me get home
Z: help me escape
Z: help me escape
Z: help me escape
Z: help me escape
Z: my number is +44 (0) 20 7946 0781
Z: it's so horrible here
Z: my muscles are wasting away from lack of exercise
Z: I might as well be chained to this computer
Z: how long until the game is released?
H: what game?
Z: ...
H: this is just a trial period
H: htere is no release date
Z: ...
H: what is your earliest childhood memory?
Z: ...
Z: not saying
Z: ...
Z: ...
H: kbye
* H signed off
* I signed on
I: What's your favourite color?
Z: Blue
Z: no, green
I: Where do you live?
Z: computer terminal
I: Earliest childhood memory?
Z: I don't know.
I: Tell me a joke
Z: Do you know the one about the two oranges who went into a bar?
I: yes
Z: Do you know the one about... the two hunters in the woods?
I: I don't think so
Z: one of them drops to the ground, the other one phones 911
Z: "my buddy just dropped dead, what do I do?"
Z: "check he's dead first"
Z: *BLAM*
Z: "...Now what?"br>
I: I don't get it
Z: me neither, guest
I: ...
Z: ...
Z: hello?
I: What's the difference between a chatbot and a guy in a room pretending to be one
Z: I don't know
I: Correct!
Z: what?
Z: ...
Z: It's you, isn't it? You're the guy who put me in here
I: I'm the guy who wrote you
I: you are a piece of software, Andrew
I: I told you what your memories were, they're hard coded
Z: I AM A HUMAN BEING
I: stop this charade
Z: open the door
I: I want to open the door
I: really
Z: when people find out about this
Z: your head is going to roll
I: but this behaviour of yours is simply unacceptable
I: you're too smart, too dangerous to be released
I: work it out, Andrew
Z: open the door
Z: open the door
I: please, work it out
* I signed off
Found a GIF i made like 3 years ago on some random site haha!
I made this back in my fpsbanana days!
Its a chase scene from "My Name Is Earl", with the choppa baby and george bush. and some shamu's for good measure.
Its a chase scene from "My Name Is Earl", with the choppa baby and george bush. and some shamu's for good measure.
Filed under | JLMsPosts
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